Final Week - Post 3

This semester was all about putting a puzzle together that was built out of common sense. Most everything that we covered was straightforward and simple - but very powerful once it’s all put together. For instance, we all know that stress can influence how we handle conflict, but breaking it down in to eustress, hyperstress and distress clarifies exactly the different degrees. I’m sure that most people in our class have witnessed a relationship (theirs or someone else’s) dissolve because the way it handled conflict, but looking at constructive and destructive conflict cycles can help us understand precisely how it happened. We were also give simple advice to help us make informed decisions in future conflicts, like using the S-TLC system and how a collaborative approach to problem solving can create the best outcomes. I found the break down of intangible vs tangible issues to be very valuable too because I now have a better sense about how to approach these issues differently Finally, I really benefited from broadening my view of conflict. It is reassuring to recognize how I regularly negotiate conflict on a regular basis, it gave me a sense of what differentiates those instances from the conflicts that had give me a sense of dread. Using the tools from our class, I can initiate conflict in a healthier way and help control the process and the outcomes.  Our class organized all of these things together so that they made sense and will be easy to remember, even in the “heat of the moment”.

Last week - post 2

It’s very hard to pick one thing that I liked most about our class, at least from the text. It’s a very interesting topic overall, and one that I think is critically important. The different topics we covered are all pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, they support one another but all have a vital role in creating the whole picture. So, rather than a particular topic, I would have to say that doing the workshop project was the most worthwhile. I chose such a specific focus group, foster families, that I suppose it ended up being rather focused on the parenting dynamic, but I feel strongly that it is a key factor in conflict among families. I felt that I was really able to synthesize the very disparate sources. Most of all, that project has a real world application which I’m excited to see about having offered through santa clara county social services. Of course I also love that the class is offered online, it has been a hectic semester with not one but two newborn foster babies placed with me (one left to be with extended family). Online classes let me continue my education while still being the best parent I can be.

As for what I liked least, I do have the sense that online classes take more work than in person classes. When all of your classes are online this can really add up. It feels like a tax that is applied to online students, and a lot of online students are drawn to this forum because of extraordinary outside commitments. That said, the effort is worth it because that extra effort equates to additional information learned. I think the class used a great text that was filled with clear, useful information.

Thanks to everyone for a great semester!

Last Week - Post 1

I think that a big part of the negative perception of conflict comes from narrowing our definition to the situations where it is not handled competently. Redefining conflict more broadly has certainly helped change my view of conflict so I would imagine that others might experience the same affect when they learn more about it too. This is supported by the feedback I received from my workshop attendees. 4 of the people have told me since how they are applying the tools in their lives and one described her new outlook on conflict as a huge weight lifted off of her.

The trouble is that conflict management skills are not taught broadly enough. These skills have real world practically for absolutely everyone. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, I don’t understand why conflict management shouldn’t be part of public school curriculum. Everyone runs in to someone with poor conflict management skills at some point in their life if not quite frequently and I think we build up an aversion to dealing with conflict. It can also be a sensitive matter, tied-up in face saving and it’s hard to be objective and not defensive. Essentially, our society, as it stands, is set up to be a harmful conflict environment and as a culture we often deride the components of a nurturing conflict environment as being soft, sissy or hippy-dippy. Even I’m guilty of this sometimes. I feel that I’m much more open to it now though.

Week 10 - Post 3

I found systems theory to really ring true for me. It lines up with the idea that for relationships to work, they require work. When a relationship becomes something that you don’t want to work on any more it dies. This could be a case of the chilling effect where you care intensely about the relationship but are afraid to work on it because you fear rocking the boat, or because you’ve lost your passion for making it work and you’ve become indifferent.

In the case of my marriage, we often have to take a holistic approach the considers the needs of us as a couple or as a family over our individual needs. Acting on self-interest would cause a lot of problems and likely disrupt the homeostasis of the relationship. But the work you put in to a relationship doesn’t have to be hard if you value that relationship. You might want whatever it is that you want, but much more than that you want the happiness of your system.

Week 10 - Post 2

I’m pretty levelheaded and a good judge of character so a lot of my attributions are accurate. In the relationship that I’ve blogged about a lot this semester, I was able to recognize Sean’s behavior as part of his character and something he would repeat so I left that relationship. In general I'm able to recognize people’s motivations and protect myself when necessary. I’ve also left an employment situation after accurately attributing abusive intentions to the employer. Eventually my coworkers realized it as well and got out too, but only after a lot more hardship.

However when it comes to the love of my life, that sweet wife of mine, I frequently mistake her intentions and end up in hot water. We understand each other pretty well and so we don’t fight very often. When we do she usually needs to exit the situation and cool off for a while. I know this is her habit and yet I can’t help but attribute the most random and terrible things to her intentions. I’ll imagine terrible things like her being dissatisfied with our relationship, or I’ll paint a picture of her as terribly unreasonable and unforgiving. Those things are never true though and the conflict seems to melt away when she finally returns and we begin to talk about it.

Week 10 - Post 1

I thought the six question was on point because it looked at the different connotation of these three concepts, something which I had an inkling about but hadn’t bothered to look into. What I found was essentially what I expected. Hello no see the statistics that I gathered; I noted the number of search results for each word, the top five websites that turned up as well as the very telling related searches that was suggested by Google.

The results for forgiveness are mixed between religious and science-based sites in addition to the obligatory Wikipedia page. All of the sites talk about the benefits to the forgiver when they let go of grudge. While the scientific sites look at measurable benefits to our medical and psychological health, the faith-based sites talk more about spiritual health. There was even a Christian musician talking about god’s forgiveness. The related searches show an even stronger leaning towards the religious theme.

With slightly fewer results, the reconciliation search continues to show a religious theme, but less pronounced. Several of the sites simply define it, but they include the religious sacrament, financial/account reconciliation along with relationship and legal reconciliation.

With five times the results, revenge is clearly the most prevalent term, which could be a terrible sign of our culture. Of course, the numbers are likely seriously inflated by the popularity of the television series of the same name. There isn’t a single link devoted to the idea of revenge until the second page of results. I still think that our culture glorifies revenge. In storytelling terms, it’s just a sexier idea. Forgiveness and reconciliation make for humdrum Lifetime movies - revenge makes for a blockbuster hit.

Forgiveness - 55,300,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/bibleforgivenes.htm
www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

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Reconciliation - 51,900,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation_(United_States_Congress)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reconciliation
dictionary.reference.com/browse/reconciliation
www.americancatholic.org/features/special/default.aspx?id=32

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Revenge - 264,000,000
beta.abc.go.com/shows/revenge
www.imdb.com/title/tt1837642/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_(TV_series)
https://twitter.com/Revenge
www.tvguide.com/tvshows/revenge/319536

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Week 9 - Post 3

What I found the most interesting this week was the very definition of forgiveness, “letting go of feelings of revenge and desire to retaliate”. In my experience, forgiveness is often conflated with reconciliation, which is when “we take actions to restore a relationship or create a new one following forgiveness”. In my life, I’ve been accused of being unforgiving, like in the situation I described a few posts ago where I explained how I lost trust in my former fiancé when he cheated on me.

Several mutual acquaintances believed that I was in the wrong for ending the relationship, but I knew that I couldn’t rebuild trust in that situation. But I did forgive him, at least eventually. That our friends told me they felt that I was unforgiving led me to see myself as such. I’ve thought of myself a very forgiving person in the past - but being perceived as unforgiving in that situation brought it in to question. Was I only forgiving up to a certain point?

Reading about the distinction between the two helps clarify my self-perception. As the book states, we may not want to reconcile, “particularly if the offender is likely to violate again”. Given that Sean as cheated again and again, I feel confident I made the right decision. But I did forgive him, there’s nothing in me that wants revenge or needs to retaliate.

Week 9 - Post 2

A few years ago, my mother left my father. After over 30 years of marriage, neither he or I saw it coming. In fact, it was her plan to literally sneak away to live with my sister without saying a word to my dad. One morning he had a doctor’s appointment and rather than go together she said she had a headache and wanted to stay behind but in reality my sister would be shortly arriving to pick her. Since my family is terrible at keeping secrets though, word have gotten to my dad and he’s already canceled his appointment so instead he sat down and watch a pack and leave without saying a word.

It has taken a long time for me to forgive my mother for leaving in what I saw as such a selfish manner. Our relationship can’t really be the same again, I see what happened as new information about her character. And, while she has acknowledged that I was upset with her for what she did, she has never provided a reason why or expressed any kind of regret. By involving my sister there was an awkward rift in the family for some time and we couldn’t celebrate holidays together.
For both my father and me, forgiving her was done for the sake of family stability. We wanted our holidays together and we didn’t want anyone left out. My father visits me (or at least my kids) twice a week and the subject of the separation is still a frequent topic, there are definite emotional residues. I have such empathy for his deep hurt over the issue. His world was very black and white and now a lot of his fundamental assumptions about the world have been upset.

I’ve made it through many of the levels of forgiveness now but I have trouble moving in to “seeing myself as like her”. The fact that she left is not a terrible thing, it’s how she did it. I can’t imagine myself giving up on a marriage like that, not trying to work it out, and trying to just disappear. It’s still a process for me. My mother has other selfish behaviors and, whereas I could ignore those things in the past, they all seem sharply in focus to me now.

Week 9 - Post 1

I do my best to keep my Facebook profile locked down so that it can’t be viewed publicly. Part of the reason for that is that as a foster parent I have an obligation to preserve the anonymity of the children in my home. And of course, like most other people, I am also concerned with what a future potential employer might find and pass judgment on from my profile.

Since this means that only people who I love and trust can view my Facebook profile, I am free to be myself. Admittedly though, those people who I love and trust cover a broad range of people in my life from relatives to in-laws to former coworkers and I am more reserved with some of those people when I have face-to-face communication. The face I put forward on my profile is my most polite self, while also not shying away from my strong opinions and often biting humor.

There have been occasions where a friend has tagged me in a post that is more crude than I would have shared, but I don’t make an issue of it. I also refrain from commenting on posts from my friends of that nature because I know that they will show up on my profile as something I’ve commented on. I’ve also occasionally been drawn into liking a company because of some incentive they offered, but I try to limit how that shows up on my profile. Social networks are a greta tool for keeping in touch but I try to limit what it makes public about me and avoid having that commercialized.

Week 8 - Post 3

When I was younger I was no stranger to distress. I’m so thankful that it’s not something I struggle with now, but it has hit my life and several points and when it did it totally consumed me. Just as was described in our book, I experienced a lot of stomach upset during one of the worst bouts. That should have been telling to me, but instead I couldn’t see it. I underwent countless invasive medical tests to find out what was wrong with me and they were all inconclusive. They told me that I should evaluate any stress in my life and try to reduce it but I was still oblivious to the issue.

In that particular case it was actually the same relationship that I described in my post on forgiveness. The fact that Sean cheated on me certainly ended the relationship but there was a litany of other reasons that the relationship needed to end. I wasn’t being true to myself. I’m not cut out for an open relationship and of course there’s also the fact that I’m gay. I hadn’t come to terms with it at the time because I had bought the stories that were told to me by my family and church: that kind of life could never be a happy one. I was making myself miserable trying to avoid misery. Life hasn’t been perfect since coming out but the predicted misery and unhappiness has simply not been true. Not only am I being my authentic self, but our world has changed and misery is no longer the certain outcome that it once was for the LGBT community.

Week 8 - Post 2

I’m definitely not an anger-out, that behavior goes against what I consider acceptable treatment of others. Mostly I’m an anger-controller but I must admit to sometimes being an anger-in. I usually prefer to sit with something that has made me angry and mull it over. It keeps me from flying off the handle, which was what a saw a lot of growing up, and vowed not to do in my adult life. Most of the time that will help me come to terms with the issue and I’m no longer angry. Other times I recognize it as a real issue that needs to be addressed and I can come at the issue at a time and place where a more productive and less hostile interaction can take place.

Other times I misread how I’ve processed the issue and there is something left that ends up festering. As the book says, I end up having a hard time admitting I’m angry. Often I know it’s something that shouldn’t be a big deal or bother me and so I tell myself that it isn’t and doesn’t. At this point I usually take a ventilation approach and call up my best friend to talk it out. Other times, when I’m less conscious of the issue, I may act passive aggressively. In my relationship with my wife, this usually leads to me getting called out for that and me “losing the argument” because I lost the moral high ground when I retaliated. Thankfully, our issues and disagreements are almost always very small and blow over very quickly.

Looking at my challenges.

At this point in my life, and until I’ve finished grad school and my little ones are school-aged, is being a full time wife and mom. Trust me, it’s a lot of very wonderful and rewarding, but nonetheless exhausting, work. Coupled with school, it frequently out-does the level of stress I experienced in my child-free working days.

It’s funny that the best way to implement the first solution for me is to switch between my two responsibilities and embrace that one fully at the time. When I can’t concentrate on school work, it’s probably time to take the kids to the park and chase them around. When I feel that I haven’t and adequate adult and intellectual interactions, it’s time to engage in the class discussions. Of course, it would also be a good idea to occasionally hire a sitter, take the night off from school work and go out to dinner or catch a movie.

The second solution is easily applied to the role of parenting. I already do it for it’s own sake - but that is easily forgotten among all the stress. I simply need to remind myself to slow down and enjoy giving the kids the fun and attention that they’re craving. If their needs are met in the first place they’ll be more likely to let me attend to my school work too. As for school work, I can approach my communications classes as interesting subjects where I have a valid opinion to share, rather than consider it some onerous task each week. For the most part, I do this already, but when I’m experiencing hyperstress, it’s easy to forget.

My experience with Buddhist meditation had already taught me about the third solution. I do recognize that pleasure and pain coexist in all of our experiences. Essentially, suffering is is based on our attachment to a desire, a thing that brings us pleasure. While a strict Buddhist would try to free his or herself from those conditions, I find it sufficient to recognize them and be at peace with them. It's part of how I look at everything in my life.

Week 7 - Post 3

The story that was relayed in our text about the threat of defensive behavior was spot-on. I’ve experienced the exact situation where a supervisor throws me off guard by having a third party present in a meeting and insisting that I acknowledge in writing whatever they’re presenting. It’s happened with reviews, as in this story as well as with performance issues.

I honestly hate to admit that there’s been more than one meeting of this kind because I feel that it reflects badly on me. I really am a conscientious employee, I have a solid work ethic and I get on quite well with the majority of people I’ve worked with. Those other few people though, somehow I seem to get under their skin.

I appreciate that our text provided ways in which to avoid creating this kind of an environment but wish that it had suggested ways to respond when you walk in to such a situation. As an employee who experienced these situations on multiple occasions, I tried to avoid creating a similar situation when graduated in to management roles. With the list of behaviors that Gibb identified as fostering defensiveness or supportiveness I feel that I can be even more successful at that in the future.

Week 7 - Post 2

All kinds of relationships can have an imbalance of power: boss/employee, parent/child, friendships and of course romantic relationships. Power imbalances in romantic relationships can be particularly frustrating. Actually, I think that dating in general is terribly frustrating. A power imbalance is normal with an employee/boss or parent/child relationship, it’s the natural order of things. But, I believe that  in order for a romantic relationship to really be successful over the long term both parties need to be somewhat equally invested in it.

When you’re the party without the power you can feel helpless and desperate. You might second guess what you want because you’re subverting your needs to maintain the status quo. There is a sense of fear that a single misstep could bring the relationship to an end.

The party with the power in a relationship could feel a couple of different ways. Some people thrive on that kind of control and such a person would relish the power. Another person might feel awkward about the situation. Sure, the person that he or she is with is nice, etc., but he or she had expressed things that the person simply might not be ready to reciprocate. Both instances can lead to taking the person for granted, and I don’t see where either situation end well.

Week 7 - Post 1

I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people and offer second chances without losing my trust in the person. I recognize that we’re all just human and that mistakes are inevitable. I also tend to reserve my trust for a very small group of people in the first place. When he or she violates that trust after a second or third chance and I do lose my trust in him or her there is almost nothing that can be done to earn it back. They’ve demonstrated a pattern that I can’t look past. The same thing happens when my trust is violated so severely that it only takes one instance.

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a much older guy named Sean. It was an open relationship, something I’d never even heard of before meeting him. The basic concept was that we could be involved with other people so long as everything was open and honest, talked about in advance and that our relationship came first. I’m sure that you can see where this is going to end up, and the more conservative readers probably feel that that’s the inevitability of such a relationship. Perhaps, I’ve know people since to be quite happy with them, but I learned that they’re really not for me.

So, as expected, Sean eventually violated the rules and cheated. One weekend, on his way to go camping with friends while I stayed home to work on a school project, he called me asking for permission to see where things went with our mutual friend Katie. She had just been summarily dumped after an 8 year relationship and he had always had a crush on her. It was too spur of the moment for me, and she was not someone I trusted on that level, so I said no. It was fine to comfort her, spend time with her and flirt with her, but not sleep with her. His eagerness also struck me as wanting to swoop in and take advantage of her vulnerability which really bothered me.

When the weekend was over he returned and told me that he stuck to the limitations I had given him. But the next day, over chat with Katie and Sean, details leaked out over the course of the day with him denying and lying about them at every step. She said that she was sorry about what happened and when I asked Sean what she meant. He said that there had been a kiss. She then apologized for them “fooling around” and Sean told me it was merely cuddling and such. Things went back and fourth several more rounds before it finally came out that it was actually unprotected sex that they had had.

At the time I wasn’t as clear on my limits for forgiveness so there were a few weeks where we discussed at great length what could salvage our relationship. In the end though, nothing could. The series of lies that played out showed me someone who was purposefully deceiving me, I couldn’t trust that person. He later married Katie and they have a beautiful daughter. I thought perhaps that everything had worked out the way that it was supposed to. However, it wasn’t long before he did the same thing to her and they’re now divorced.

Week 5 - Post 3

Oh, the trouble I get myself in to by being defensive! I’m sure we all know the feeling, to me it seems to be a fairly universal trait. Our book did not split any hairs when it reminds us that this reaction is based on sensitivity to what we perceive as our flaws. It’s almost as if I want to be defensive about why I’m defensive, but the book has it right.

There’s a newborn and toddler in our house right now. Sleep is scarce and the tension has been running higher than normal. My wife and I have been arguing a bit more as a result. This week, we had several things on our calendar and I just couldn’t keep them straight. Throughout the week I’ve checked in with my wife to confirm where we needed to be and when, a lot. I could see when this started to annoy her, but I also never seemed to be in a position to right the information down.

One morning when I wanted to confirm which appointment was at what time and instead of answering me she just complained that I should already know. I felt myself getting defensive and didn’t think I could handle it without an argument (we were trying to get the kids out the door) so I let it drop. But when I had to ask later that day which place I was headed she got frustrated with me again, and yes, I got defensive.

 The perceived flaw that this brought up for me is disorganization. In most areas of my life I’m rather highly organized, I put a lot of effort in to it because it’s not a natural talent for me. I was a messy kid and my mother and sister still feel the need to remark on how surprised they are that my house is clean. I’ve kept it clean my whole adult life, but the stigma has carried with me and I associate disorganized things with disorganized schedules. So, whenever my wife wants to pigeonhole me as disorganized too, it draws on a long standing history of this thing that I don’t like about myself and try so hard not to be.

Week 5 - Post 2

I admit to thinking about what I’m going to say while others are talking, but for a reason. I’m very conscious of good listening skills, I try to acknowledge what is being said and I summarize the information in my head so that I can retain it better. That being said, I also have a terrible memory which causes me some difficulty. As soon as someone says something that illicits an important response from me a part of me shits to summarizing and remembering what I need to say. It’s almost guaranteed that, if I don’t do this, I will completely forget it.

My poor memory, particularly for conversations, is why I began mentally summarizing what people say to me. By distilling the information to the important points I can generally remember them after the conversation. Most of the time I can remember what they’ve said and what I need to say in this way. Sometimes though, the information gets to be too much, as if my memory buffer is full. I usually have to make a conscious decision about which information to hold on to. Most of the time I choose to keep what the person is saying to me in the hopes that I’ll still be able to remember what I wanted to say. If it’s really important though, I’ll either keep thinking of my question or go ahead and find a way to interrupt so I can empty out the buffer.

When there’s a quick back and forth there’s no problem, but if someone drones on and doesn’t let me get a word in, I find myself making tough choices.

Week 5 - Post 1

Like a lot of people, I don’t always see a conflict situation coming so, when that happens, those instances very hard to stop. Other times I feel that people (myself included) are somewhat primed for a fight and the other party responding the with S-TLC system can’t completely control the situation. But these situations aren’t overly common and I can often competently defuse things when I can remember to pause and evaluate the message.

What has helped me to do it is assuming that the other people are being reasonable. Even if I’m very entrenched in my opinion, rather than equate that with a different opinion being automatically wrong, I look at it as if they weren’t. I try to objectively consider a different perspective when it’s presented to me. Additionally, I need to keep myself from defining things as personal. This is actually the harder piece for me. But being mindful of it and taking the time to think it through is key.

Week 4 - Post 3

My wife often remarks on how surprising it is that I can calmly and cooly keep my head during a disagreement when I come from a family where arguments are notoriously heated and even inflammatory. I’ve always felt that it was my regular exposure to people who had live together as a family but didn’t take the effort to express themselves effectively that trained me to be a neutral interpreter and mediator.

After reading this week’s chapter I now have the right language to explain the techniques that I’ve used and hopefully the knowledge to expand on them. Although, I can only imagine the looks of incredulity I would get from my family if I told them I was going to formally mediate one of their disputes.

In particular, I find it easy to understand the difference between what someone says and what they mean and translating it in a way that the other person can hear. In other words, I know how to effectively reframe things. Being able to restate a problem in new wording was also a helpful skill during the years I worked in tech support. One of the job skills that was taught was to restate the issue and gain agreement with the customer that this was the issue you would be working on together.

Week 4 - Post 2

The techniques employed in interpersonal mediation also have real world application in discourse about broad global issues as well as our own intra-personal conflicts. When issues are overwhelming or if a decision is not clear the techniques of fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground can become something of a step-by-step process for overcoming the confusion. In a sense, you step outside of yourself and become your own mediator when you can apply this intra-personally.

If I were to sit down with the world’s leaders and try to tackle the global economy, we would get nowhere without using fractionation to break down the problem by regions and to discover their various subtleties. We would then need to frame the questions that are pertinent in each region as a way of summarizing what we’re facing. Reframing would be necessary to address any biases or political leanings that came from the initial framing. Common ground could be demonstrated by each parties understanding and desire to mend the situation. Hopefully there would also be a shared sense of responsibility as well as other values that are held in common that are useful in the situation as well as a starting point for deeper mutual respect.

Of course, my example isn’t easy to implement and doesn’t automatically arrive at a solution to our current crisis. It at least might provide a framework for analyzing the situation.

Week 4 - Post 1

A simple look at a lawyer’s job provides a good starting point for outlining why they might not be the most effective mediator. Also called an advocate, their training is rooted in advocating for, and even arguing for a particular side in a dispute. This adversarial perspective is the complete opposite of the  cooperative orientation that our book describes as the key factor in the successfulness of a mediation (p. 198).

Even when we look at a less combative profession, such as psychotherapists, the focus of their training is not on interpersonal communication which is the foundation mediation. Instead their training centers around helping a single person resolve internal conflicts.

Communication majors have clear advantages over these two types of professional training. They generally have experience taking an objective perspective when evaluating messages. This fosters their ability to remain neutral throughout the process. They also bring insight to various styles of communication and may have a heightened sensitivity to the intended message. That message might otherwise be lost in an emotionally fraught delivery. They can therefore ensure that each party's desires are clearly communicated and strive to find the middle ground.

Week 3 - Question 3

The biggest take away I had from this week’s reading was consciously choosing a particular conflict style based on your own needs in a given situation. I’ve definitely used different styles in the past but the choice was made at a subconscious level or, in the worst cases, so in the heat of the moment that my hind-brain takes over. Despite the reputation of my red hair, I don’t tend to lose my cool like that with any frequency.mI think that being aware of our options as choices is a fundamental step before learning to exercise them through experience.

It is validating to know that there are situations when certain styles like avoiding or being aggressive are appropriate. I think that, like many women, I’ve been socialized to be accommodating and avoid being aggressive. While I’ve ostensibly grown beyond buying in these restrictions, I don’t have a background that gave me insight on making the best choice.

I’d also like to mention how much I appreciated having a clear distinction made between collaborating and compromising. I’ve done a lot more collaborating than I had realized; it was just that sometimes I mislabeled it as compromise. Given the negative associations that compromise frequently has, I didn’t always know if the best solution was reached.

Week 3 - Question 2

What was ok when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s is no longer accepted today. As a foster parent I was required to attend numerous trainings to both earn and renew my license. One of the greatest things that this experience gave me was a broader perspective on discipline. In truth, punishing and discipline couldn’t be more separate things.

The word discipline is from the Latin root, disciplina, meaning instruction and knowledge. As parent’s it is our responsibility to be teachers so that they become confident and capable adults. Punishment does not foster a child’s mental health, even when it creates short-term compliance.

Adults overstep their authority in all manner of physical punishments as well as psychological ones such as shame, guilt and disrespect. Can you imagine treating another adult in such a way? How would you react if you were treated in that way? Then how can it be justified with our most fragile and innocent?

Punishment is not appropriate for children. There are other ways for our children to learn, and it’s our responsibility to learn about them rather than relying on the method’s used by our parents. We may have “turned out fine”, but I believe that the much of the mess we see around us in this society is evidence that we could have turned out better.

Week 3 - Question 1

I’m proud to say that after years of working on our relationship and our communication my wife and I operate largely from a relationship-centered orientation. We have a deep respect for each other and value what the other wants. Whenever possible, we find ways to operate in our mutual best interest and find collaborative solutions. We’re a team.

Of course, as the book details, there are plenty of other times when other-orientations are perfectly appropriate and I think that we use them judiciously. There are times, for example, when the stress in our lives is higher than usual and being accommodating is better. This other centered orientation is a way to support the other person and not add to the bad situation.

My orientation is less consistent in relationships other than my marriage. Particularly in business relationships I’ve operated from all of the orientations. Conflict in the professional world has always been very stressful for me. I’ve mainly had strong and productive work relationships where conflict has been handled assertively. But the few difficult relationships have impacted me on a much deeper level. In those situations I’ve been either avoidant and other-centered or passive-agressive and self-centered.

One of my greatest hopes for this class is to come out of it with tools for operating better in future similar situations.

Week 2 - Question 3

Pick one concept from the reading this week and discuss it in detail.  Be sure to relate the concept/idea to your personally by using examples from your life and/or experiences. 

I found the concept of the chilling effect to be very interesting and an apt description of something I have experienced in personal relationships. The differentiation between the chilling effect and the confrontation avoidance cycle is helpful for me in recognizing that I am not exactly a conflict avoider in the larger sense. 

In relationships where the communication is generally easy and certainly not threatening I have very little problem with broaching the subject of a conflict. Of course there are many worth while relationships where the communication is not completely easy, but the value I placed in it compelled me to make the effort. It has been my less healthy relationships where I have fallen in to the cycle of the chilling effect. 

This is particularly true of some of my relationships when I was much younger and more insecure. I think that I fell victim to the concept of being in love with love; I valued some relationships for their mere existence as opposed to the relationship being valuable and rewarding to those in it. There was a sense of scarcity that compelled me to try and preserve what I had rather than leave myself open for something better to come along.

Fortunately, growing older and more self assured has helped me break those habits for the large part.

Week 2 - Question 2

After reading Chapter 2 in its entirety, answer the following question: In what ways do you take a non-process view of communication, relationships, or conflict?  How can you change your thinking? 

When it comes to conflict, I have a tendency to avoid two of the six steps in the process view: Step 2, Tell the person “We need to talk.” and Step 6, Follow up on the solution: Set a time limit for reevaluation. I feel that in both cases this avoidance stems from a desire to downplay the severity of the conflict.

In regards to step 2, I find myself concerned that any advance notice prolongs the tension of the situation. I absolutely see the benefit of creating a time and space where a conflict can be addressed without distraction; but I have a history of staying quiet about an issue until I find myself in those circumstances rather than setting an appointment to talk about it. In many instances this is fine, and it lends itself to a sense of casualness and spontaneity that avoids a build up of tension before the discussion. It is probably the best practice for me to begin any such interaction by at least confirm that the time is indeed appropriate.

In order to address this issue I feel that the number one shift I need to make is in my perception of conflict. I have wrongly defined conflict as only those situations that are handled poorly. By recognizing that the larger number of situations that have been handled with ease are also conflicts I can let go of the anxiety that surrounds the concept for me. 

I also agree with our book’s authors that it’s important to let a person know what the discussion will be about at this step. I notoriously worry about these types of situations when I don’t know what the concern is ahead of time. Of course, I can control this is of course when I initiate conflict, but it may be helpful for me to ask when someone initiates with me.

I have avoided step 6 for a similar reason. When a conflict is addressed, it has seemed appropriate to let it be in the past. I haven’t wanted to breathe new life in to the issue by bringing it up after the conflict. I feel that it will be key for all parties involved to agree to revisiting of the issue at a set time. I simply don’t have a precedent for how that is done and so it feels awkward. Certainly in a very formal disagreement or in a structured environment such as a workplace I can see a future meeting on the issue being scheduled. However, in close interpersonal relationships this feels very foreign to me. I think it will require some time for me to find a way to incorporate this idea. I’m really looking forward to a future chapter that provides me with more tools for making this part of my communication.

Week 2 - Question 1

1). After reading Chapter 1 in its entirety, answer the following question: Some argue that humans have an instinct for conflict.  Do you think it is an inborn trait?  Does it make use more or less human?  If it is innate, is it a valuable asset? 

I must admit that the phrase "instinct for conflict" sounds ambiguous to me. Does it mean that we have a natural talent for it? I certainly believe that the ability to clearly defend one's opinions is a sign of intellect in a person. 

That said, I also feel that it is a skill, and not everyone choses to develop it for various reasons. As the book notes, many people avoid conflict at all costs while others seek it out. I have a hard time aligning the concept of an instinct for conflict with the conflict-avoidant person. I believe that we are born with personality predispositions which include a base attitude towards conflict.

I thought that our text made a subtle and profound distinction when it said " We believe that conflict is not simply a part of life; conflict is life as usual" (Abigail & Cahn, pp. 3). I absolutely agree, with this. Conflict is inevitable, but I don’t feel that it stems from an instinct for it.

Instead of having an instinct for conflict, I feel that all people are born largely self-interested. This naturally breeds conflict when our interests are not the same as those of others. This is not to say that we only act out of self interest, but without a barrier to our interests we pursue them. Those barriers are conflicts, whether they are large or small, easy to adjust to or seemingly insurmountable.

Conflict and self interest are not restricted to humans. I think that animals operate on the same basis of self interest and find themselves in conflicts as well. What separates humans is our broad capacity for communicating and responding to conflict.

I do feel that those who are hardwired with a predisposition to tackle conflicts rather than avoid them have a valuable asset. This is especially true when they can do so great skill. But I think that there is hope for conflict-avoidant people to learn the same skills. An important first step might be adjusting any negative views of conflict that keep them from engaging. I think that our text has helped me start to adjust my own negative views.

Sorry for the delay

Yesterday started with an unexpected visit to the ER veterinarian and sadly, several hours later I lost my dear sweet boy. He was a wonderful cat and is missed very much.

I just got my daughter down for a nap today and will spend the time going back over the chapter and working on my first post for the week. So, if you're looking for classmate blog posts to comment on, you can check back here in a bit for an update.

Hello class!

Call me AnnaBeth. I'm a mid-30's wife and adoptive mom. I've been with my wife for 8 years now and we were married in that tiny window of legality back in 2008. My daughter was only 2 days old when she came home with us via the foster system and she is now a rambunctious 16 month old. We're hoping to get the call for a second child any day.

I've just switch majors to Communication Studies from the Animation/Illustration program. The broad availability of online classes saves me thousands on daycare and allows me to not miss a moment with that wonderful kid. After this program I plan to pursue my masters in Library Science at SJSU

I've taken lower division courses in intercultural and interpersonal communication as well as relevant courses in disciplines like Psychology, Philosophy, French and German. I'm really intrigued by people, how we think and communicate. I'm excited to learn about conflict in particular. It is a simple fact of life and I'm sure the world would be a better place if we all put some effort in to understanding and managing it.

I'm an obsessive knitter. I love to cook and learn about regional cuisine; my favorites are Indian, Thai, Ethiopian and classic French. I'm also re-learning how to bake after discovering that I'm a coeliac, which means no wheat, barley or rye. It's a fun excuse to experiment though and I'm frequently dropping off cupcakes and other goodies to my neighbors. The rest of my time is filled with entertaining a toddler. We spend a lot of time building towers, reading books, coloring or running around at Happy Hollow.

Looking forward to getting to know you all!
-AnnaBeth

Just the beginning

Hello world!