Week 2 - Question 3

Pick one concept from the reading this week and discuss it in detail.  Be sure to relate the concept/idea to your personally by using examples from your life and/or experiences. 

I found the concept of the chilling effect to be very interesting and an apt description of something I have experienced in personal relationships. The differentiation between the chilling effect and the confrontation avoidance cycle is helpful for me in recognizing that I am not exactly a conflict avoider in the larger sense. 

In relationships where the communication is generally easy and certainly not threatening I have very little problem with broaching the subject of a conflict. Of course there are many worth while relationships where the communication is not completely easy, but the value I placed in it compelled me to make the effort. It has been my less healthy relationships where I have fallen in to the cycle of the chilling effect. 

This is particularly true of some of my relationships when I was much younger and more insecure. I think that I fell victim to the concept of being in love with love; I valued some relationships for their mere existence as opposed to the relationship being valuable and rewarding to those in it. There was a sense of scarcity that compelled me to try and preserve what I had rather than leave myself open for something better to come along.

Fortunately, growing older and more self assured has helped me break those habits for the large part.

Week 2 - Question 2

After reading Chapter 2 in its entirety, answer the following question: In what ways do you take a non-process view of communication, relationships, or conflict?  How can you change your thinking? 

When it comes to conflict, I have a tendency to avoid two of the six steps in the process view: Step 2, Tell the person “We need to talk.” and Step 6, Follow up on the solution: Set a time limit for reevaluation. I feel that in both cases this avoidance stems from a desire to downplay the severity of the conflict.

In regards to step 2, I find myself concerned that any advance notice prolongs the tension of the situation. I absolutely see the benefit of creating a time and space where a conflict can be addressed without distraction; but I have a history of staying quiet about an issue until I find myself in those circumstances rather than setting an appointment to talk about it. In many instances this is fine, and it lends itself to a sense of casualness and spontaneity that avoids a build up of tension before the discussion. It is probably the best practice for me to begin any such interaction by at least confirm that the time is indeed appropriate.

In order to address this issue I feel that the number one shift I need to make is in my perception of conflict. I have wrongly defined conflict as only those situations that are handled poorly. By recognizing that the larger number of situations that have been handled with ease are also conflicts I can let go of the anxiety that surrounds the concept for me. 

I also agree with our book’s authors that it’s important to let a person know what the discussion will be about at this step. I notoriously worry about these types of situations when I don’t know what the concern is ahead of time. Of course, I can control this is of course when I initiate conflict, but it may be helpful for me to ask when someone initiates with me.

I have avoided step 6 for a similar reason. When a conflict is addressed, it has seemed appropriate to let it be in the past. I haven’t wanted to breathe new life in to the issue by bringing it up after the conflict. I feel that it will be key for all parties involved to agree to revisiting of the issue at a set time. I simply don’t have a precedent for how that is done and so it feels awkward. Certainly in a very formal disagreement or in a structured environment such as a workplace I can see a future meeting on the issue being scheduled. However, in close interpersonal relationships this feels very foreign to me. I think it will require some time for me to find a way to incorporate this idea. I’m really looking forward to a future chapter that provides me with more tools for making this part of my communication.

Week 2 - Question 1

1). After reading Chapter 1 in its entirety, answer the following question: Some argue that humans have an instinct for conflict.  Do you think it is an inborn trait?  Does it make use more or less human?  If it is innate, is it a valuable asset? 

I must admit that the phrase "instinct for conflict" sounds ambiguous to me. Does it mean that we have a natural talent for it? I certainly believe that the ability to clearly defend one's opinions is a sign of intellect in a person. 

That said, I also feel that it is a skill, and not everyone choses to develop it for various reasons. As the book notes, many people avoid conflict at all costs while others seek it out. I have a hard time aligning the concept of an instinct for conflict with the conflict-avoidant person. I believe that we are born with personality predispositions which include a base attitude towards conflict.

I thought that our text made a subtle and profound distinction when it said " We believe that conflict is not simply a part of life; conflict is life as usual" (Abigail & Cahn, pp. 3). I absolutely agree, with this. Conflict is inevitable, but I don’t feel that it stems from an instinct for it.

Instead of having an instinct for conflict, I feel that all people are born largely self-interested. This naturally breeds conflict when our interests are not the same as those of others. This is not to say that we only act out of self interest, but without a barrier to our interests we pursue them. Those barriers are conflicts, whether they are large or small, easy to adjust to or seemingly insurmountable.

Conflict and self interest are not restricted to humans. I think that animals operate on the same basis of self interest and find themselves in conflicts as well. What separates humans is our broad capacity for communicating and responding to conflict.

I do feel that those who are hardwired with a predisposition to tackle conflicts rather than avoid them have a valuable asset. This is especially true when they can do so great skill. But I think that there is hope for conflict-avoidant people to learn the same skills. An important first step might be adjusting any negative views of conflict that keep them from engaging. I think that our text has helped me start to adjust my own negative views.

Sorry for the delay

Yesterday started with an unexpected visit to the ER veterinarian and sadly, several hours later I lost my dear sweet boy. He was a wonderful cat and is missed very much.

I just got my daughter down for a nap today and will spend the time going back over the chapter and working on my first post for the week. So, if you're looking for classmate blog posts to comment on, you can check back here in a bit for an update.

Hello class!

Call me AnnaBeth. I'm a mid-30's wife and adoptive mom. I've been with my wife for 8 years now and we were married in that tiny window of legality back in 2008. My daughter was only 2 days old when she came home with us via the foster system and she is now a rambunctious 16 month old. We're hoping to get the call for a second child any day.

I've just switch majors to Communication Studies from the Animation/Illustration program. The broad availability of online classes saves me thousands on daycare and allows me to not miss a moment with that wonderful kid. After this program I plan to pursue my masters in Library Science at SJSU

I've taken lower division courses in intercultural and interpersonal communication as well as relevant courses in disciplines like Psychology, Philosophy, French and German. I'm really intrigued by people, how we think and communicate. I'm excited to learn about conflict in particular. It is a simple fact of life and I'm sure the world would be a better place if we all put some effort in to understanding and managing it.

I'm an obsessive knitter. I love to cook and learn about regional cuisine; my favorites are Indian, Thai, Ethiopian and classic French. I'm also re-learning how to bake after discovering that I'm a coeliac, which means no wheat, barley or rye. It's a fun excuse to experiment though and I'm frequently dropping off cupcakes and other goodies to my neighbors. The rest of my time is filled with entertaining a toddler. We spend a lot of time building towers, reading books, coloring or running around at Happy Hollow.

Looking forward to getting to know you all!
-AnnaBeth

Just the beginning

Hello world!