I found systems theory to really ring true for me. It lines up with the idea that for relationships to work, they require work. When a relationship becomes something that you don’t want to work on any more it dies. This could be a case of the chilling effect where you care intensely about the relationship but are afraid to work on it because you fear rocking the boat, or because you’ve lost your passion for making it work and you’ve become indifferent.
In the case of my marriage, we often have to take a holistic approach the considers the needs of us as a couple or as a family over our individual needs. Acting on self-interest would cause a lot of problems and likely disrupt the homeostasis of the relationship. But the work you put in to a relationship doesn’t have to be hard if you value that relationship. You might want whatever it is that you want, but much more than that you want the happiness of your system.
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