Final Week - Post 3

This semester was all about putting a puzzle together that was built out of common sense. Most everything that we covered was straightforward and simple - but very powerful once it’s all put together. For instance, we all know that stress can influence how we handle conflict, but breaking it down in to eustress, hyperstress and distress clarifies exactly the different degrees. I’m sure that most people in our class have witnessed a relationship (theirs or someone else’s) dissolve because the way it handled conflict, but looking at constructive and destructive conflict cycles can help us understand precisely how it happened. We were also give simple advice to help us make informed decisions in future conflicts, like using the S-TLC system and how a collaborative approach to problem solving can create the best outcomes. I found the break down of intangible vs tangible issues to be very valuable too because I now have a better sense about how to approach these issues differently Finally, I really benefited from broadening my view of conflict. It is reassuring to recognize how I regularly negotiate conflict on a regular basis, it gave me a sense of what differentiates those instances from the conflicts that had give me a sense of dread. Using the tools from our class, I can initiate conflict in a healthier way and help control the process and the outcomes.  Our class organized all of these things together so that they made sense and will be easy to remember, even in the “heat of the moment”.

Last week - post 2

It’s very hard to pick one thing that I liked most about our class, at least from the text. It’s a very interesting topic overall, and one that I think is critically important. The different topics we covered are all pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, they support one another but all have a vital role in creating the whole picture. So, rather than a particular topic, I would have to say that doing the workshop project was the most worthwhile. I chose such a specific focus group, foster families, that I suppose it ended up being rather focused on the parenting dynamic, but I feel strongly that it is a key factor in conflict among families. I felt that I was really able to synthesize the very disparate sources. Most of all, that project has a real world application which I’m excited to see about having offered through santa clara county social services. Of course I also love that the class is offered online, it has been a hectic semester with not one but two newborn foster babies placed with me (one left to be with extended family). Online classes let me continue my education while still being the best parent I can be.

As for what I liked least, I do have the sense that online classes take more work than in person classes. When all of your classes are online this can really add up. It feels like a tax that is applied to online students, and a lot of online students are drawn to this forum because of extraordinary outside commitments. That said, the effort is worth it because that extra effort equates to additional information learned. I think the class used a great text that was filled with clear, useful information.

Thanks to everyone for a great semester!

Last Week - Post 1

I think that a big part of the negative perception of conflict comes from narrowing our definition to the situations where it is not handled competently. Redefining conflict more broadly has certainly helped change my view of conflict so I would imagine that others might experience the same affect when they learn more about it too. This is supported by the feedback I received from my workshop attendees. 4 of the people have told me since how they are applying the tools in their lives and one described her new outlook on conflict as a huge weight lifted off of her.

The trouble is that conflict management skills are not taught broadly enough. These skills have real world practically for absolutely everyone. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, I don’t understand why conflict management shouldn’t be part of public school curriculum. Everyone runs in to someone with poor conflict management skills at some point in their life if not quite frequently and I think we build up an aversion to dealing with conflict. It can also be a sensitive matter, tied-up in face saving and it’s hard to be objective and not defensive. Essentially, our society, as it stands, is set up to be a harmful conflict environment and as a culture we often deride the components of a nurturing conflict environment as being soft, sissy or hippy-dippy. Even I’m guilty of this sometimes. I feel that I’m much more open to it now though.

Week 10 - Post 3

I found systems theory to really ring true for me. It lines up with the idea that for relationships to work, they require work. When a relationship becomes something that you don’t want to work on any more it dies. This could be a case of the chilling effect where you care intensely about the relationship but are afraid to work on it because you fear rocking the boat, or because you’ve lost your passion for making it work and you’ve become indifferent.

In the case of my marriage, we often have to take a holistic approach the considers the needs of us as a couple or as a family over our individual needs. Acting on self-interest would cause a lot of problems and likely disrupt the homeostasis of the relationship. But the work you put in to a relationship doesn’t have to be hard if you value that relationship. You might want whatever it is that you want, but much more than that you want the happiness of your system.

Week 10 - Post 2

I’m pretty levelheaded and a good judge of character so a lot of my attributions are accurate. In the relationship that I’ve blogged about a lot this semester, I was able to recognize Sean’s behavior as part of his character and something he would repeat so I left that relationship. In general I'm able to recognize people’s motivations and protect myself when necessary. I’ve also left an employment situation after accurately attributing abusive intentions to the employer. Eventually my coworkers realized it as well and got out too, but only after a lot more hardship.

However when it comes to the love of my life, that sweet wife of mine, I frequently mistake her intentions and end up in hot water. We understand each other pretty well and so we don’t fight very often. When we do she usually needs to exit the situation and cool off for a while. I know this is her habit and yet I can’t help but attribute the most random and terrible things to her intentions. I’ll imagine terrible things like her being dissatisfied with our relationship, or I’ll paint a picture of her as terribly unreasonable and unforgiving. Those things are never true though and the conflict seems to melt away when she finally returns and we begin to talk about it.

Week 10 - Post 1

I thought the six question was on point because it looked at the different connotation of these three concepts, something which I had an inkling about but hadn’t bothered to look into. What I found was essentially what I expected. Hello no see the statistics that I gathered; I noted the number of search results for each word, the top five websites that turned up as well as the very telling related searches that was suggested by Google.

The results for forgiveness are mixed between religious and science-based sites in addition to the obligatory Wikipedia page. All of the sites talk about the benefits to the forgiver when they let go of grudge. While the scientific sites look at measurable benefits to our medical and psychological health, the faith-based sites talk more about spiritual health. There was even a Christian musician talking about god’s forgiveness. The related searches show an even stronger leaning towards the religious theme.

With slightly fewer results, the reconciliation search continues to show a religious theme, but less pronounced. Several of the sites simply define it, but they include the religious sacrament, financial/account reconciliation along with relationship and legal reconciliation.

With five times the results, revenge is clearly the most prevalent term, which could be a terrible sign of our culture. Of course, the numbers are likely seriously inflated by the popularity of the television series of the same name. There isn’t a single link devoted to the idea of revenge until the second page of results. I still think that our culture glorifies revenge. In storytelling terms, it’s just a sexier idea. Forgiveness and reconciliation make for humdrum Lifetime movies - revenge makes for a blockbuster hit.

Forgiveness - 55,300,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/bibleforgivenes.htm
www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

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Reconciliation - 51,900,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation_(United_States_Congress)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reconciliation
dictionary.reference.com/browse/reconciliation
www.americancatholic.org/features/special/default.aspx?id=32

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Revenge - 264,000,000
beta.abc.go.com/shows/revenge
www.imdb.com/title/tt1837642/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_(TV_series)
https://twitter.com/Revenge
www.tvguide.com/tvshows/revenge/319536

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Week 9 - Post 3

What I found the most interesting this week was the very definition of forgiveness, “letting go of feelings of revenge and desire to retaliate”. In my experience, forgiveness is often conflated with reconciliation, which is when “we take actions to restore a relationship or create a new one following forgiveness”. In my life, I’ve been accused of being unforgiving, like in the situation I described a few posts ago where I explained how I lost trust in my former fiancé when he cheated on me.

Several mutual acquaintances believed that I was in the wrong for ending the relationship, but I knew that I couldn’t rebuild trust in that situation. But I did forgive him, at least eventually. That our friends told me they felt that I was unforgiving led me to see myself as such. I’ve thought of myself a very forgiving person in the past - but being perceived as unforgiving in that situation brought it in to question. Was I only forgiving up to a certain point?

Reading about the distinction between the two helps clarify my self-perception. As the book states, we may not want to reconcile, “particularly if the offender is likely to violate again”. Given that Sean as cheated again and again, I feel confident I made the right decision. But I did forgive him, there’s nothing in me that wants revenge or needs to retaliate.