Week 10 - Post 1

I thought the six question was on point because it looked at the different connotation of these three concepts, something which I had an inkling about but hadn’t bothered to look into. What I found was essentially what I expected. Hello no see the statistics that I gathered; I noted the number of search results for each word, the top five websites that turned up as well as the very telling related searches that was suggested by Google.

The results for forgiveness are mixed between religious and science-based sites in addition to the obligatory Wikipedia page. All of the sites talk about the benefits to the forgiver when they let go of grudge. While the scientific sites look at measurable benefits to our medical and psychological health, the faith-based sites talk more about spiritual health. There was even a Christian musician talking about god’s forgiveness. The related searches show an even stronger leaning towards the religious theme.

With slightly fewer results, the reconciliation search continues to show a religious theme, but less pronounced. Several of the sites simply define it, but they include the religious sacrament, financial/account reconciliation along with relationship and legal reconciliation.

With five times the results, revenge is clearly the most prevalent term, which could be a terrible sign of our culture. Of course, the numbers are likely seriously inflated by the popularity of the television series of the same name. There isn’t a single link devoted to the idea of revenge until the second page of results. I still think that our culture glorifies revenge. In storytelling terms, it’s just a sexier idea. Forgiveness and reconciliation make for humdrum Lifetime movies - revenge makes for a blockbuster hit.

Forgiveness - 55,300,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/bibleforgivenes.htm
www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

Searches related to forgiveness
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Reconciliation - 51,900,000
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation_(United_States_Congress)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reconciliation
dictionary.reference.com/browse/reconciliation
www.americancatholic.org/features/special/default.aspx?id=32

Searches related to reconciliation
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account reconciliation
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Revenge - 264,000,000
beta.abc.go.com/shows/revenge
www.imdb.com/title/tt1837642/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_(TV_series)
https://twitter.com/Revenge
www.tvguide.com/tvshows/revenge/319536

Searches related to revenge
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Week 9 - Post 3

What I found the most interesting this week was the very definition of forgiveness, “letting go of feelings of revenge and desire to retaliate”. In my experience, forgiveness is often conflated with reconciliation, which is when “we take actions to restore a relationship or create a new one following forgiveness”. In my life, I’ve been accused of being unforgiving, like in the situation I described a few posts ago where I explained how I lost trust in my former fiancé when he cheated on me.

Several mutual acquaintances believed that I was in the wrong for ending the relationship, but I knew that I couldn’t rebuild trust in that situation. But I did forgive him, at least eventually. That our friends told me they felt that I was unforgiving led me to see myself as such. I’ve thought of myself a very forgiving person in the past - but being perceived as unforgiving in that situation brought it in to question. Was I only forgiving up to a certain point?

Reading about the distinction between the two helps clarify my self-perception. As the book states, we may not want to reconcile, “particularly if the offender is likely to violate again”. Given that Sean as cheated again and again, I feel confident I made the right decision. But I did forgive him, there’s nothing in me that wants revenge or needs to retaliate.

Week 9 - Post 2

A few years ago, my mother left my father. After over 30 years of marriage, neither he or I saw it coming. In fact, it was her plan to literally sneak away to live with my sister without saying a word to my dad. One morning he had a doctor’s appointment and rather than go together she said she had a headache and wanted to stay behind but in reality my sister would be shortly arriving to pick her. Since my family is terrible at keeping secrets though, word have gotten to my dad and he’s already canceled his appointment so instead he sat down and watch a pack and leave without saying a word.

It has taken a long time for me to forgive my mother for leaving in what I saw as such a selfish manner. Our relationship can’t really be the same again, I see what happened as new information about her character. And, while she has acknowledged that I was upset with her for what she did, she has never provided a reason why or expressed any kind of regret. By involving my sister there was an awkward rift in the family for some time and we couldn’t celebrate holidays together.
For both my father and me, forgiving her was done for the sake of family stability. We wanted our holidays together and we didn’t want anyone left out. My father visits me (or at least my kids) twice a week and the subject of the separation is still a frequent topic, there are definite emotional residues. I have such empathy for his deep hurt over the issue. His world was very black and white and now a lot of his fundamental assumptions about the world have been upset.

I’ve made it through many of the levels of forgiveness now but I have trouble moving in to “seeing myself as like her”. The fact that she left is not a terrible thing, it’s how she did it. I can’t imagine myself giving up on a marriage like that, not trying to work it out, and trying to just disappear. It’s still a process for me. My mother has other selfish behaviors and, whereas I could ignore those things in the past, they all seem sharply in focus to me now.

Week 9 - Post 1

I do my best to keep my Facebook profile locked down so that it can’t be viewed publicly. Part of the reason for that is that as a foster parent I have an obligation to preserve the anonymity of the children in my home. And of course, like most other people, I am also concerned with what a future potential employer might find and pass judgment on from my profile.

Since this means that only people who I love and trust can view my Facebook profile, I am free to be myself. Admittedly though, those people who I love and trust cover a broad range of people in my life from relatives to in-laws to former coworkers and I am more reserved with some of those people when I have face-to-face communication. The face I put forward on my profile is my most polite self, while also not shying away from my strong opinions and often biting humor.

There have been occasions where a friend has tagged me in a post that is more crude than I would have shared, but I don’t make an issue of it. I also refrain from commenting on posts from my friends of that nature because I know that they will show up on my profile as something I’ve commented on. I’ve also occasionally been drawn into liking a company because of some incentive they offered, but I try to limit how that shows up on my profile. Social networks are a greta tool for keeping in touch but I try to limit what it makes public about me and avoid having that commercialized.

Week 8 - Post 3

When I was younger I was no stranger to distress. I’m so thankful that it’s not something I struggle with now, but it has hit my life and several points and when it did it totally consumed me. Just as was described in our book, I experienced a lot of stomach upset during one of the worst bouts. That should have been telling to me, but instead I couldn’t see it. I underwent countless invasive medical tests to find out what was wrong with me and they were all inconclusive. They told me that I should evaluate any stress in my life and try to reduce it but I was still oblivious to the issue.

In that particular case it was actually the same relationship that I described in my post on forgiveness. The fact that Sean cheated on me certainly ended the relationship but there was a litany of other reasons that the relationship needed to end. I wasn’t being true to myself. I’m not cut out for an open relationship and of course there’s also the fact that I’m gay. I hadn’t come to terms with it at the time because I had bought the stories that were told to me by my family and church: that kind of life could never be a happy one. I was making myself miserable trying to avoid misery. Life hasn’t been perfect since coming out but the predicted misery and unhappiness has simply not been true. Not only am I being my authentic self, but our world has changed and misery is no longer the certain outcome that it once was for the LGBT community.

Week 8 - Post 2

I’m definitely not an anger-out, that behavior goes against what I consider acceptable treatment of others. Mostly I’m an anger-controller but I must admit to sometimes being an anger-in. I usually prefer to sit with something that has made me angry and mull it over. It keeps me from flying off the handle, which was what a saw a lot of growing up, and vowed not to do in my adult life. Most of the time that will help me come to terms with the issue and I’m no longer angry. Other times I recognize it as a real issue that needs to be addressed and I can come at the issue at a time and place where a more productive and less hostile interaction can take place.

Other times I misread how I’ve processed the issue and there is something left that ends up festering. As the book says, I end up having a hard time admitting I’m angry. Often I know it’s something that shouldn’t be a big deal or bother me and so I tell myself that it isn’t and doesn’t. At this point I usually take a ventilation approach and call up my best friend to talk it out. Other times, when I’m less conscious of the issue, I may act passive aggressively. In my relationship with my wife, this usually leads to me getting called out for that and me “losing the argument” because I lost the moral high ground when I retaliated. Thankfully, our issues and disagreements are almost always very small and blow over very quickly.

Looking at my challenges.

At this point in my life, and until I’ve finished grad school and my little ones are school-aged, is being a full time wife and mom. Trust me, it’s a lot of very wonderful and rewarding, but nonetheless exhausting, work. Coupled with school, it frequently out-does the level of stress I experienced in my child-free working days.

It’s funny that the best way to implement the first solution for me is to switch between my two responsibilities and embrace that one fully at the time. When I can’t concentrate on school work, it’s probably time to take the kids to the park and chase them around. When I feel that I haven’t and adequate adult and intellectual interactions, it’s time to engage in the class discussions. Of course, it would also be a good idea to occasionally hire a sitter, take the night off from school work and go out to dinner or catch a movie.

The second solution is easily applied to the role of parenting. I already do it for it’s own sake - but that is easily forgotten among all the stress. I simply need to remind myself to slow down and enjoy giving the kids the fun and attention that they’re craving. If their needs are met in the first place they’ll be more likely to let me attend to my school work too. As for school work, I can approach my communications classes as interesting subjects where I have a valid opinion to share, rather than consider it some onerous task each week. For the most part, I do this already, but when I’m experiencing hyperstress, it’s easy to forget.

My experience with Buddhist meditation had already taught me about the third solution. I do recognize that pleasure and pain coexist in all of our experiences. Essentially, suffering is is based on our attachment to a desire, a thing that brings us pleasure. While a strict Buddhist would try to free his or herself from those conditions, I find it sufficient to recognize them and be at peace with them. It's part of how I look at everything in my life.

Week 7 - Post 3

The story that was relayed in our text about the threat of defensive behavior was spot-on. I’ve experienced the exact situation where a supervisor throws me off guard by having a third party present in a meeting and insisting that I acknowledge in writing whatever they’re presenting. It’s happened with reviews, as in this story as well as with performance issues.

I honestly hate to admit that there’s been more than one meeting of this kind because I feel that it reflects badly on me. I really am a conscientious employee, I have a solid work ethic and I get on quite well with the majority of people I’ve worked with. Those other few people though, somehow I seem to get under their skin.

I appreciate that our text provided ways in which to avoid creating this kind of an environment but wish that it had suggested ways to respond when you walk in to such a situation. As an employee who experienced these situations on multiple occasions, I tried to avoid creating a similar situation when graduated in to management roles. With the list of behaviors that Gibb identified as fostering defensiveness or supportiveness I feel that I can be even more successful at that in the future.

Week 7 - Post 2

All kinds of relationships can have an imbalance of power: boss/employee, parent/child, friendships and of course romantic relationships. Power imbalances in romantic relationships can be particularly frustrating. Actually, I think that dating in general is terribly frustrating. A power imbalance is normal with an employee/boss or parent/child relationship, it’s the natural order of things. But, I believe that  in order for a romantic relationship to really be successful over the long term both parties need to be somewhat equally invested in it.

When you’re the party without the power you can feel helpless and desperate. You might second guess what you want because you’re subverting your needs to maintain the status quo. There is a sense of fear that a single misstep could bring the relationship to an end.

The party with the power in a relationship could feel a couple of different ways. Some people thrive on that kind of control and such a person would relish the power. Another person might feel awkward about the situation. Sure, the person that he or she is with is nice, etc., but he or she had expressed things that the person simply might not be ready to reciprocate. Both instances can lead to taking the person for granted, and I don’t see where either situation end well.

Week 7 - Post 1

I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people and offer second chances without losing my trust in the person. I recognize that we’re all just human and that mistakes are inevitable. I also tend to reserve my trust for a very small group of people in the first place. When he or she violates that trust after a second or third chance and I do lose my trust in him or her there is almost nothing that can be done to earn it back. They’ve demonstrated a pattern that I can’t look past. The same thing happens when my trust is violated so severely that it only takes one instance.

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a much older guy named Sean. It was an open relationship, something I’d never even heard of before meeting him. The basic concept was that we could be involved with other people so long as everything was open and honest, talked about in advance and that our relationship came first. I’m sure that you can see where this is going to end up, and the more conservative readers probably feel that that’s the inevitability of such a relationship. Perhaps, I’ve know people since to be quite happy with them, but I learned that they’re really not for me.

So, as expected, Sean eventually violated the rules and cheated. One weekend, on his way to go camping with friends while I stayed home to work on a school project, he called me asking for permission to see where things went with our mutual friend Katie. She had just been summarily dumped after an 8 year relationship and he had always had a crush on her. It was too spur of the moment for me, and she was not someone I trusted on that level, so I said no. It was fine to comfort her, spend time with her and flirt with her, but not sleep with her. His eagerness also struck me as wanting to swoop in and take advantage of her vulnerability which really bothered me.

When the weekend was over he returned and told me that he stuck to the limitations I had given him. But the next day, over chat with Katie and Sean, details leaked out over the course of the day with him denying and lying about them at every step. She said that she was sorry about what happened and when I asked Sean what she meant. He said that there had been a kiss. She then apologized for them “fooling around” and Sean told me it was merely cuddling and such. Things went back and fourth several more rounds before it finally came out that it was actually unprotected sex that they had had.

At the time I wasn’t as clear on my limits for forgiveness so there were a few weeks where we discussed at great length what could salvage our relationship. In the end though, nothing could. The series of lies that played out showed me someone who was purposefully deceiving me, I couldn’t trust that person. He later married Katie and they have a beautiful daughter. I thought perhaps that everything had worked out the way that it was supposed to. However, it wasn’t long before he did the same thing to her and they’re now divorced.