Oh, the trouble I get myself in to by being defensive! I’m sure we all know the feeling, to me it seems to be a fairly universal trait. Our book did not split any hairs when it reminds us that this reaction is based on sensitivity to what we perceive as our flaws. It’s almost as if I want to be defensive about why I’m defensive, but the book has it right.
There’s a newborn and toddler in our house right now. Sleep is scarce and the tension has been running higher than normal. My wife and I have been arguing a bit more as a result. This week, we had several things on our calendar and I just couldn’t keep them straight. Throughout the week I’ve checked in with my wife to confirm where we needed to be and when, a lot. I could see when this started to annoy her, but I also never seemed to be in a position to right the information down.
One morning when I wanted to confirm which appointment was at what time and instead of answering me she just complained that I should already know. I felt myself getting defensive and didn’t think I could handle it without an argument (we were trying to get the kids out the door) so I let it drop. But when I had to ask later that day which place I was headed she got frustrated with me again, and yes, I got defensive.
The perceived flaw that this brought up for me is disorganization. In most areas of my life I’m rather highly organized, I put a lot of effort in to it because it’s not a natural talent for me. I was a messy kid and my mother and sister still feel the need to remark on how surprised they are that my house is clean. I’ve kept it clean my whole adult life, but the stigma has carried with me and I associate disorganized things with disorganized schedules. So, whenever my wife wants to pigeonhole me as disorganized too, it draws on a long standing history of this thing that I don’t like about myself and try so hard not to be.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Week 5 - Post 2
I admit to thinking about what I’m going to say while others are talking, but for a reason. I’m very conscious of good listening skills, I try to acknowledge what is being said and I summarize the information in my head so that I can retain it better. That being said, I also have a terrible memory which causes me some difficulty. As soon as someone says something that illicits an important response from me a part of me shits to summarizing and remembering what I need to say. It’s almost guaranteed that, if I don’t do this, I will completely forget it.
My poor memory, particularly for conversations, is why I began mentally summarizing what people say to me. By distilling the information to the important points I can generally remember them after the conversation. Most of the time I can remember what they’ve said and what I need to say in this way. Sometimes though, the information gets to be too much, as if my memory buffer is full. I usually have to make a conscious decision about which information to hold on to. Most of the time I choose to keep what the person is saying to me in the hopes that I’ll still be able to remember what I wanted to say. If it’s really important though, I’ll either keep thinking of my question or go ahead and find a way to interrupt so I can empty out the buffer.
When there’s a quick back and forth there’s no problem, but if someone drones on and doesn’t let me get a word in, I find myself making tough choices.
My poor memory, particularly for conversations, is why I began mentally summarizing what people say to me. By distilling the information to the important points I can generally remember them after the conversation. Most of the time I can remember what they’ve said and what I need to say in this way. Sometimes though, the information gets to be too much, as if my memory buffer is full. I usually have to make a conscious decision about which information to hold on to. Most of the time I choose to keep what the person is saying to me in the hopes that I’ll still be able to remember what I wanted to say. If it’s really important though, I’ll either keep thinking of my question or go ahead and find a way to interrupt so I can empty out the buffer.
When there’s a quick back and forth there’s no problem, but if someone drones on and doesn’t let me get a word in, I find myself making tough choices.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Week 5 - Post 1
Like a lot of people, I don’t always see a conflict situation coming so, when that happens, those instances very hard to stop. Other times I feel that people (myself included) are somewhat primed for a fight and the other party responding the with S-TLC system can’t completely control the situation. But these situations aren’t overly common and I can often competently defuse things when I can remember to pause and evaluate the message.
What has helped me to do it is assuming that the other people are being reasonable. Even if I’m very entrenched in my opinion, rather than equate that with a different opinion being automatically wrong, I look at it as if they weren’t. I try to objectively consider a different perspective when it’s presented to me. Additionally, I need to keep myself from defining things as personal. This is actually the harder piece for me. But being mindful of it and taking the time to think it through is key.
What has helped me to do it is assuming that the other people are being reasonable. Even if I’m very entrenched in my opinion, rather than equate that with a different opinion being automatically wrong, I look at it as if they weren’t. I try to objectively consider a different perspective when it’s presented to me. Additionally, I need to keep myself from defining things as personal. This is actually the harder piece for me. But being mindful of it and taking the time to think it through is key.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Week 4 - Post 3
My wife often remarks on how surprising it is that I can calmly and cooly keep my head during a disagreement when I come from a family where arguments are notoriously heated and even inflammatory. I’ve always felt that it was my regular exposure to people who had live together as a family but didn’t take the effort to express themselves effectively that trained me to be a neutral interpreter and mediator.
After reading this week’s chapter I now have the right language to explain the techniques that I’ve used and hopefully the knowledge to expand on them. Although, I can only imagine the looks of incredulity I would get from my family if I told them I was going to formally mediate one of their disputes.
In particular, I find it easy to understand the difference between what someone says and what they mean and translating it in a way that the other person can hear. In other words, I know how to effectively reframe things. Being able to restate a problem in new wording was also a helpful skill during the years I worked in tech support. One of the job skills that was taught was to restate the issue and gain agreement with the customer that this was the issue you would be working on together.
After reading this week’s chapter I now have the right language to explain the techniques that I’ve used and hopefully the knowledge to expand on them. Although, I can only imagine the looks of incredulity I would get from my family if I told them I was going to formally mediate one of their disputes.
In particular, I find it easy to understand the difference between what someone says and what they mean and translating it in a way that the other person can hear. In other words, I know how to effectively reframe things. Being able to restate a problem in new wording was also a helpful skill during the years I worked in tech support. One of the job skills that was taught was to restate the issue and gain agreement with the customer that this was the issue you would be working on together.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Week 4 - Post 2
The techniques employed in interpersonal mediation also have real world application in discourse about broad global issues as well as our own intra-personal conflicts. When issues are overwhelming or if a decision is not clear the techniques of fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground can become something of a step-by-step process for overcoming the confusion. In a sense, you step outside of yourself and become your own mediator when you can apply this intra-personally.
If I were to sit down with the world’s leaders and try to tackle the global economy, we would get nowhere without using fractionation to break down the problem by regions and to discover their various subtleties. We would then need to frame the questions that are pertinent in each region as a way of summarizing what we’re facing. Reframing would be necessary to address any biases or political leanings that came from the initial framing. Common ground could be demonstrated by each parties understanding and desire to mend the situation. Hopefully there would also be a shared sense of responsibility as well as other values that are held in common that are useful in the situation as well as a starting point for deeper mutual respect.
Of course, my example isn’t easy to implement and doesn’t automatically arrive at a solution to our current crisis. It at least might provide a framework for analyzing the situation.
If I were to sit down with the world’s leaders and try to tackle the global economy, we would get nowhere without using fractionation to break down the problem by regions and to discover their various subtleties. We would then need to frame the questions that are pertinent in each region as a way of summarizing what we’re facing. Reframing would be necessary to address any biases or political leanings that came from the initial framing. Common ground could be demonstrated by each parties understanding and desire to mend the situation. Hopefully there would also be a shared sense of responsibility as well as other values that are held in common that are useful in the situation as well as a starting point for deeper mutual respect.
Of course, my example isn’t easy to implement and doesn’t automatically arrive at a solution to our current crisis. It at least might provide a framework for analyzing the situation.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Week 4 - Post 1
A simple look at a lawyer’s job provides a good starting point for outlining why they might not be the most effective mediator. Also called an advocate, their training is rooted in advocating for, and even arguing for a particular side in a dispute. This adversarial perspective is the complete opposite of the cooperative orientation that our book describes as the key factor in the successfulness of a mediation (p. 198).
Even when we look at a less combative profession, such as psychotherapists, the focus of their training is not on interpersonal communication which is the foundation mediation. Instead their training centers around helping a single person resolve internal conflicts.
Communication majors have clear advantages over these two types of professional training. They generally have experience taking an objective perspective when evaluating messages. This fosters their ability to remain neutral throughout the process. They also bring insight to various styles of communication and may have a heightened sensitivity to the intended message. That message might otherwise be lost in an emotionally fraught delivery. They can therefore ensure that each party's desires are clearly communicated and strive to find the middle ground.
Even when we look at a less combative profession, such as psychotherapists, the focus of their training is not on interpersonal communication which is the foundation mediation. Instead their training centers around helping a single person resolve internal conflicts.
Communication majors have clear advantages over these two types of professional training. They generally have experience taking an objective perspective when evaluating messages. This fosters their ability to remain neutral throughout the process. They also bring insight to various styles of communication and may have a heightened sensitivity to the intended message. That message might otherwise be lost in an emotionally fraught delivery. They can therefore ensure that each party's desires are clearly communicated and strive to find the middle ground.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Week 3 - Question 3
The biggest take away I had from this week’s reading was consciously choosing a particular conflict style based on your own needs in a given situation. I’ve definitely used different styles in the past but the choice was made at a subconscious level or, in the worst cases, so in the heat of the moment that my hind-brain takes over. Despite the reputation of my red hair, I don’t tend to lose my cool like that with any frequency.mI think that being aware of our options as choices is a fundamental step before learning to exercise them through experience.
It is validating to know that there are situations when certain styles like avoiding or being aggressive are appropriate. I think that, like many women, I’ve been socialized to be accommodating and avoid being aggressive. While I’ve ostensibly grown beyond buying in these restrictions, I don’t have a background that gave me insight on making the best choice.
I’d also like to mention how much I appreciated having a clear distinction made between collaborating and compromising. I’ve done a lot more collaborating than I had realized; it was just that sometimes I mislabeled it as compromise. Given the negative associations that compromise frequently has, I didn’t always know if the best solution was reached.
It is validating to know that there are situations when certain styles like avoiding or being aggressive are appropriate. I think that, like many women, I’ve been socialized to be accommodating and avoid being aggressive. While I’ve ostensibly grown beyond buying in these restrictions, I don’t have a background that gave me insight on making the best choice.
I’d also like to mention how much I appreciated having a clear distinction made between collaborating and compromising. I’ve done a lot more collaborating than I had realized; it was just that sometimes I mislabeled it as compromise. Given the negative associations that compromise frequently has, I didn’t always know if the best solution was reached.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Week 3 - Question 2
What was ok when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s is no longer accepted today. As a foster parent I was required to attend numerous trainings to both earn and renew my license. One of the greatest things that this experience gave me was a broader perspective on discipline. In truth, punishing and discipline couldn’t be more separate things.
The word discipline is from the Latin root, disciplina, meaning instruction and knowledge. As parent’s it is our responsibility to be teachers so that they become confident and capable adults. Punishment does not foster a child’s mental health, even when it creates short-term compliance.
Adults overstep their authority in all manner of physical punishments as well as psychological ones such as shame, guilt and disrespect. Can you imagine treating another adult in such a way? How would you react if you were treated in that way? Then how can it be justified with our most fragile and innocent?
Punishment is not appropriate for children. There are other ways for our children to learn, and it’s our responsibility to learn about them rather than relying on the method’s used by our parents. We may have “turned out fine”, but I believe that the much of the mess we see around us in this society is evidence that we could have turned out better.
The word discipline is from the Latin root, disciplina, meaning instruction and knowledge. As parent’s it is our responsibility to be teachers so that they become confident and capable adults. Punishment does not foster a child’s mental health, even when it creates short-term compliance.
Adults overstep their authority in all manner of physical punishments as well as psychological ones such as shame, guilt and disrespect. Can you imagine treating another adult in such a way? How would you react if you were treated in that way? Then how can it be justified with our most fragile and innocent?
Punishment is not appropriate for children. There are other ways for our children to learn, and it’s our responsibility to learn about them rather than relying on the method’s used by our parents. We may have “turned out fine”, but I believe that the much of the mess we see around us in this society is evidence that we could have turned out better.
Week 3 - Question 1
I’m proud to say that after years of working on our relationship and our communication my wife and I operate largely from a relationship-centered orientation. We have a deep respect for each other and value what the other wants. Whenever possible, we find ways to operate in our mutual best interest and find collaborative solutions. We’re a team.
Of course, as the book details, there are plenty of other times when other-orientations are perfectly appropriate and I think that we use them judiciously. There are times, for example, when the stress in our lives is higher than usual and being accommodating is better. This other centered orientation is a way to support the other person and not add to the bad situation.
My orientation is less consistent in relationships other than my marriage. Particularly in business relationships I’ve operated from all of the orientations. Conflict in the professional world has always been very stressful for me. I’ve mainly had strong and productive work relationships where conflict has been handled assertively. But the few difficult relationships have impacted me on a much deeper level. In those situations I’ve been either avoidant and other-centered or passive-agressive and self-centered.
One of my greatest hopes for this class is to come out of it with tools for operating better in future similar situations.
Of course, as the book details, there are plenty of other times when other-orientations are perfectly appropriate and I think that we use them judiciously. There are times, for example, when the stress in our lives is higher than usual and being accommodating is better. This other centered orientation is a way to support the other person and not add to the bad situation.
My orientation is less consistent in relationships other than my marriage. Particularly in business relationships I’ve operated from all of the orientations. Conflict in the professional world has always been very stressful for me. I’ve mainly had strong and productive work relationships where conflict has been handled assertively. But the few difficult relationships have impacted me on a much deeper level. In those situations I’ve been either avoidant and other-centered or passive-agressive and self-centered.
One of my greatest hopes for this class is to come out of it with tools for operating better in future similar situations.
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