Week 9 - Post 2

A few years ago, my mother left my father. After over 30 years of marriage, neither he or I saw it coming. In fact, it was her plan to literally sneak away to live with my sister without saying a word to my dad. One morning he had a doctor’s appointment and rather than go together she said she had a headache and wanted to stay behind but in reality my sister would be shortly arriving to pick her. Since my family is terrible at keeping secrets though, word have gotten to my dad and he’s already canceled his appointment so instead he sat down and watch a pack and leave without saying a word.

It has taken a long time for me to forgive my mother for leaving in what I saw as such a selfish manner. Our relationship can’t really be the same again, I see what happened as new information about her character. And, while she has acknowledged that I was upset with her for what she did, she has never provided a reason why or expressed any kind of regret. By involving my sister there was an awkward rift in the family for some time and we couldn’t celebrate holidays together.
For both my father and me, forgiving her was done for the sake of family stability. We wanted our holidays together and we didn’t want anyone left out. My father visits me (or at least my kids) twice a week and the subject of the separation is still a frequent topic, there are definite emotional residues. I have such empathy for his deep hurt over the issue. His world was very black and white and now a lot of his fundamental assumptions about the world have been upset.

I’ve made it through many of the levels of forgiveness now but I have trouble moving in to “seeing myself as like her”. The fact that she left is not a terrible thing, it’s how she did it. I can’t imagine myself giving up on a marriage like that, not trying to work it out, and trying to just disappear. It’s still a process for me. My mother has other selfish behaviors and, whereas I could ignore those things in the past, they all seem sharply in focus to me now.