Oh, the trouble I get myself in to by being defensive! I’m sure we all know the feeling, to me it seems to be a fairly universal trait. Our book did not split any hairs when it reminds us that this reaction is based on sensitivity to what we perceive as our flaws. It’s almost as if I want to be defensive about why I’m defensive, but the book has it right.
There’s a newborn and toddler in our house right now. Sleep is scarce and the tension has been running higher than normal. My wife and I have been arguing a bit more as a result. This week, we had several things on our calendar and I just couldn’t keep them straight. Throughout the week I’ve checked in with my wife to confirm where we needed to be and when, a lot. I could see when this started to annoy her, but I also never seemed to be in a position to right the information down.
One morning when I wanted to confirm which appointment was at what time and instead of answering me she just complained that I should already know. I felt myself getting defensive and didn’t think I could handle it without an argument (we were trying to get the kids out the door) so I let it drop. But when I had to ask later that day which place I was headed she got frustrated with me again, and yes, I got defensive.
The perceived flaw that this brought up for me is disorganization. In most areas of my life I’m rather highly organized, I put a lot of effort in to it because it’s not a natural talent for me. I was a messy kid and my mother and sister still feel the need to remark on how surprised they are that my house is clean. I’ve kept it clean my whole adult life, but the stigma has carried with me and I associate disorganized things with disorganized schedules. So, whenever my wife wants to pigeonhole me as disorganized too, it draws on a long standing history of this thing that I don’t like about myself and try so hard not to be.
Hello Annabeth Patel, nice work this week. I liked how you gave a current account of what kind of conflicts you have been getting into and how you have reacted. I agree that becoming defensive is a pretty universal trait. I myself am guilty of that. I have come to find out that sometimes I make the conflict even bigger because rather than listening, I become defensive and start defending my words or actions. This is even something that I absent mindedly do when someone comes to me upset about something I might have said or done. I think that being more aware of this kind of reaction and trying to prevent it during future conflicts would be really good for me. Overall, nice work!
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