Week 9 - Post 2

A few years ago, my mother left my father. After over 30 years of marriage, neither he or I saw it coming. In fact, it was her plan to literally sneak away to live with my sister without saying a word to my dad. One morning he had a doctor’s appointment and rather than go together she said she had a headache and wanted to stay behind but in reality my sister would be shortly arriving to pick her. Since my family is terrible at keeping secrets though, word have gotten to my dad and he’s already canceled his appointment so instead he sat down and watch a pack and leave without saying a word.

It has taken a long time for me to forgive my mother for leaving in what I saw as such a selfish manner. Our relationship can’t really be the same again, I see what happened as new information about her character. And, while she has acknowledged that I was upset with her for what she did, she has never provided a reason why or expressed any kind of regret. By involving my sister there was an awkward rift in the family for some time and we couldn’t celebrate holidays together.
For both my father and me, forgiving her was done for the sake of family stability. We wanted our holidays together and we didn’t want anyone left out. My father visits me (or at least my kids) twice a week and the subject of the separation is still a frequent topic, there are definite emotional residues. I have such empathy for his deep hurt over the issue. His world was very black and white and now a lot of his fundamental assumptions about the world have been upset.

I’ve made it through many of the levels of forgiveness now but I have trouble moving in to “seeing myself as like her”. The fact that she left is not a terrible thing, it’s how she did it. I can’t imagine myself giving up on a marriage like that, not trying to work it out, and trying to just disappear. It’s still a process for me. My mother has other selfish behaviors and, whereas I could ignore those things in the past, they all seem sharply in focus to me now.

Week 9 - Post 1

I do my best to keep my Facebook profile locked down so that it can’t be viewed publicly. Part of the reason for that is that as a foster parent I have an obligation to preserve the anonymity of the children in my home. And of course, like most other people, I am also concerned with what a future potential employer might find and pass judgment on from my profile.

Since this means that only people who I love and trust can view my Facebook profile, I am free to be myself. Admittedly though, those people who I love and trust cover a broad range of people in my life from relatives to in-laws to former coworkers and I am more reserved with some of those people when I have face-to-face communication. The face I put forward on my profile is my most polite self, while also not shying away from my strong opinions and often biting humor.

There have been occasions where a friend has tagged me in a post that is more crude than I would have shared, but I don’t make an issue of it. I also refrain from commenting on posts from my friends of that nature because I know that they will show up on my profile as something I’ve commented on. I’ve also occasionally been drawn into liking a company because of some incentive they offered, but I try to limit how that shows up on my profile. Social networks are a greta tool for keeping in touch but I try to limit what it makes public about me and avoid having that commercialized.

Week 8 - Post 3

When I was younger I was no stranger to distress. I’m so thankful that it’s not something I struggle with now, but it has hit my life and several points and when it did it totally consumed me. Just as was described in our book, I experienced a lot of stomach upset during one of the worst bouts. That should have been telling to me, but instead I couldn’t see it. I underwent countless invasive medical tests to find out what was wrong with me and they were all inconclusive. They told me that I should evaluate any stress in my life and try to reduce it but I was still oblivious to the issue.

In that particular case it was actually the same relationship that I described in my post on forgiveness. The fact that Sean cheated on me certainly ended the relationship but there was a litany of other reasons that the relationship needed to end. I wasn’t being true to myself. I’m not cut out for an open relationship and of course there’s also the fact that I’m gay. I hadn’t come to terms with it at the time because I had bought the stories that were told to me by my family and church: that kind of life could never be a happy one. I was making myself miserable trying to avoid misery. Life hasn’t been perfect since coming out but the predicted misery and unhappiness has simply not been true. Not only am I being my authentic self, but our world has changed and misery is no longer the certain outcome that it once was for the LGBT community.

Week 8 - Post 2

I’m definitely not an anger-out, that behavior goes against what I consider acceptable treatment of others. Mostly I’m an anger-controller but I must admit to sometimes being an anger-in. I usually prefer to sit with something that has made me angry and mull it over. It keeps me from flying off the handle, which was what a saw a lot of growing up, and vowed not to do in my adult life. Most of the time that will help me come to terms with the issue and I’m no longer angry. Other times I recognize it as a real issue that needs to be addressed and I can come at the issue at a time and place where a more productive and less hostile interaction can take place.

Other times I misread how I’ve processed the issue and there is something left that ends up festering. As the book says, I end up having a hard time admitting I’m angry. Often I know it’s something that shouldn’t be a big deal or bother me and so I tell myself that it isn’t and doesn’t. At this point I usually take a ventilation approach and call up my best friend to talk it out. Other times, when I’m less conscious of the issue, I may act passive aggressively. In my relationship with my wife, this usually leads to me getting called out for that and me “losing the argument” because I lost the moral high ground when I retaliated. Thankfully, our issues and disagreements are almost always very small and blow over very quickly.

Looking at my challenges.

At this point in my life, and until I’ve finished grad school and my little ones are school-aged, is being a full time wife and mom. Trust me, it’s a lot of very wonderful and rewarding, but nonetheless exhausting, work. Coupled with school, it frequently out-does the level of stress I experienced in my child-free working days.

It’s funny that the best way to implement the first solution for me is to switch between my two responsibilities and embrace that one fully at the time. When I can’t concentrate on school work, it’s probably time to take the kids to the park and chase them around. When I feel that I haven’t and adequate adult and intellectual interactions, it’s time to engage in the class discussions. Of course, it would also be a good idea to occasionally hire a sitter, take the night off from school work and go out to dinner or catch a movie.

The second solution is easily applied to the role of parenting. I already do it for it’s own sake - but that is easily forgotten among all the stress. I simply need to remind myself to slow down and enjoy giving the kids the fun and attention that they’re craving. If their needs are met in the first place they’ll be more likely to let me attend to my school work too. As for school work, I can approach my communications classes as interesting subjects where I have a valid opinion to share, rather than consider it some onerous task each week. For the most part, I do this already, but when I’m experiencing hyperstress, it’s easy to forget.

My experience with Buddhist meditation had already taught me about the third solution. I do recognize that pleasure and pain coexist in all of our experiences. Essentially, suffering is is based on our attachment to a desire, a thing that brings us pleasure. While a strict Buddhist would try to free his or herself from those conditions, I find it sufficient to recognize them and be at peace with them. It's part of how I look at everything in my life.

Week 7 - Post 3

The story that was relayed in our text about the threat of defensive behavior was spot-on. I’ve experienced the exact situation where a supervisor throws me off guard by having a third party present in a meeting and insisting that I acknowledge in writing whatever they’re presenting. It’s happened with reviews, as in this story as well as with performance issues.

I honestly hate to admit that there’s been more than one meeting of this kind because I feel that it reflects badly on me. I really am a conscientious employee, I have a solid work ethic and I get on quite well with the majority of people I’ve worked with. Those other few people though, somehow I seem to get under their skin.

I appreciate that our text provided ways in which to avoid creating this kind of an environment but wish that it had suggested ways to respond when you walk in to such a situation. As an employee who experienced these situations on multiple occasions, I tried to avoid creating a similar situation when graduated in to management roles. With the list of behaviors that Gibb identified as fostering defensiveness or supportiveness I feel that I can be even more successful at that in the future.

Week 7 - Post 2

All kinds of relationships can have an imbalance of power: boss/employee, parent/child, friendships and of course romantic relationships. Power imbalances in romantic relationships can be particularly frustrating. Actually, I think that dating in general is terribly frustrating. A power imbalance is normal with an employee/boss or parent/child relationship, it’s the natural order of things. But, I believe that  in order for a romantic relationship to really be successful over the long term both parties need to be somewhat equally invested in it.

When you’re the party without the power you can feel helpless and desperate. You might second guess what you want because you’re subverting your needs to maintain the status quo. There is a sense of fear that a single misstep could bring the relationship to an end.

The party with the power in a relationship could feel a couple of different ways. Some people thrive on that kind of control and such a person would relish the power. Another person might feel awkward about the situation. Sure, the person that he or she is with is nice, etc., but he or she had expressed things that the person simply might not be ready to reciprocate. Both instances can lead to taking the person for granted, and I don’t see where either situation end well.