Week 8 - Post 2

I’m definitely not an anger-out, that behavior goes against what I consider acceptable treatment of others. Mostly I’m an anger-controller but I must admit to sometimes being an anger-in. I usually prefer to sit with something that has made me angry and mull it over. It keeps me from flying off the handle, which was what a saw a lot of growing up, and vowed not to do in my adult life. Most of the time that will help me come to terms with the issue and I’m no longer angry. Other times I recognize it as a real issue that needs to be addressed and I can come at the issue at a time and place where a more productive and less hostile interaction can take place.

Other times I misread how I’ve processed the issue and there is something left that ends up festering. As the book says, I end up having a hard time admitting I’m angry. Often I know it’s something that shouldn’t be a big deal or bother me and so I tell myself that it isn’t and doesn’t. At this point I usually take a ventilation approach and call up my best friend to talk it out. Other times, when I’m less conscious of the issue, I may act passive aggressively. In my relationship with my wife, this usually leads to me getting called out for that and me “losing the argument” because I lost the moral high ground when I retaliated. Thankfully, our issues and disagreements are almost always very small and blow over very quickly.

Looking at my challenges.

At this point in my life, and until I’ve finished grad school and my little ones are school-aged, is being a full time wife and mom. Trust me, it’s a lot of very wonderful and rewarding, but nonetheless exhausting, work. Coupled with school, it frequently out-does the level of stress I experienced in my child-free working days.

It’s funny that the best way to implement the first solution for me is to switch between my two responsibilities and embrace that one fully at the time. When I can’t concentrate on school work, it’s probably time to take the kids to the park and chase them around. When I feel that I haven’t and adequate adult and intellectual interactions, it’s time to engage in the class discussions. Of course, it would also be a good idea to occasionally hire a sitter, take the night off from school work and go out to dinner or catch a movie.

The second solution is easily applied to the role of parenting. I already do it for it’s own sake - but that is easily forgotten among all the stress. I simply need to remind myself to slow down and enjoy giving the kids the fun and attention that they’re craving. If their needs are met in the first place they’ll be more likely to let me attend to my school work too. As for school work, I can approach my communications classes as interesting subjects where I have a valid opinion to share, rather than consider it some onerous task each week. For the most part, I do this already, but when I’m experiencing hyperstress, it’s easy to forget.

My experience with Buddhist meditation had already taught me about the third solution. I do recognize that pleasure and pain coexist in all of our experiences. Essentially, suffering is is based on our attachment to a desire, a thing that brings us pleasure. While a strict Buddhist would try to free his or herself from those conditions, I find it sufficient to recognize them and be at peace with them. It's part of how I look at everything in my life.

Week 7 - Post 3

The story that was relayed in our text about the threat of defensive behavior was spot-on. I’ve experienced the exact situation where a supervisor throws me off guard by having a third party present in a meeting and insisting that I acknowledge in writing whatever they’re presenting. It’s happened with reviews, as in this story as well as with performance issues.

I honestly hate to admit that there’s been more than one meeting of this kind because I feel that it reflects badly on me. I really am a conscientious employee, I have a solid work ethic and I get on quite well with the majority of people I’ve worked with. Those other few people though, somehow I seem to get under their skin.

I appreciate that our text provided ways in which to avoid creating this kind of an environment but wish that it had suggested ways to respond when you walk in to such a situation. As an employee who experienced these situations on multiple occasions, I tried to avoid creating a similar situation when graduated in to management roles. With the list of behaviors that Gibb identified as fostering defensiveness or supportiveness I feel that I can be even more successful at that in the future.

Week 7 - Post 2

All kinds of relationships can have an imbalance of power: boss/employee, parent/child, friendships and of course romantic relationships. Power imbalances in romantic relationships can be particularly frustrating. Actually, I think that dating in general is terribly frustrating. A power imbalance is normal with an employee/boss or parent/child relationship, it’s the natural order of things. But, I believe that  in order for a romantic relationship to really be successful over the long term both parties need to be somewhat equally invested in it.

When you’re the party without the power you can feel helpless and desperate. You might second guess what you want because you’re subverting your needs to maintain the status quo. There is a sense of fear that a single misstep could bring the relationship to an end.

The party with the power in a relationship could feel a couple of different ways. Some people thrive on that kind of control and such a person would relish the power. Another person might feel awkward about the situation. Sure, the person that he or she is with is nice, etc., but he or she had expressed things that the person simply might not be ready to reciprocate. Both instances can lead to taking the person for granted, and I don’t see where either situation end well.

Week 7 - Post 1

I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people and offer second chances without losing my trust in the person. I recognize that we’re all just human and that mistakes are inevitable. I also tend to reserve my trust for a very small group of people in the first place. When he or she violates that trust after a second or third chance and I do lose my trust in him or her there is almost nothing that can be done to earn it back. They’ve demonstrated a pattern that I can’t look past. The same thing happens when my trust is violated so severely that it only takes one instance.

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a much older guy named Sean. It was an open relationship, something I’d never even heard of before meeting him. The basic concept was that we could be involved with other people so long as everything was open and honest, talked about in advance and that our relationship came first. I’m sure that you can see where this is going to end up, and the more conservative readers probably feel that that’s the inevitability of such a relationship. Perhaps, I’ve know people since to be quite happy with them, but I learned that they’re really not for me.

So, as expected, Sean eventually violated the rules and cheated. One weekend, on his way to go camping with friends while I stayed home to work on a school project, he called me asking for permission to see where things went with our mutual friend Katie. She had just been summarily dumped after an 8 year relationship and he had always had a crush on her. It was too spur of the moment for me, and she was not someone I trusted on that level, so I said no. It was fine to comfort her, spend time with her and flirt with her, but not sleep with her. His eagerness also struck me as wanting to swoop in and take advantage of her vulnerability which really bothered me.

When the weekend was over he returned and told me that he stuck to the limitations I had given him. But the next day, over chat with Katie and Sean, details leaked out over the course of the day with him denying and lying about them at every step. She said that she was sorry about what happened and when I asked Sean what she meant. He said that there had been a kiss. She then apologized for them “fooling around” and Sean told me it was merely cuddling and such. Things went back and fourth several more rounds before it finally came out that it was actually unprotected sex that they had had.

At the time I wasn’t as clear on my limits for forgiveness so there were a few weeks where we discussed at great length what could salvage our relationship. In the end though, nothing could. The series of lies that played out showed me someone who was purposefully deceiving me, I couldn’t trust that person. He later married Katie and they have a beautiful daughter. I thought perhaps that everything had worked out the way that it was supposed to. However, it wasn’t long before he did the same thing to her and they’re now divorced.

Week 5 - Post 3

Oh, the trouble I get myself in to by being defensive! I’m sure we all know the feeling, to me it seems to be a fairly universal trait. Our book did not split any hairs when it reminds us that this reaction is based on sensitivity to what we perceive as our flaws. It’s almost as if I want to be defensive about why I’m defensive, but the book has it right.

There’s a newborn and toddler in our house right now. Sleep is scarce and the tension has been running higher than normal. My wife and I have been arguing a bit more as a result. This week, we had several things on our calendar and I just couldn’t keep them straight. Throughout the week I’ve checked in with my wife to confirm where we needed to be and when, a lot. I could see when this started to annoy her, but I also never seemed to be in a position to right the information down.

One morning when I wanted to confirm which appointment was at what time and instead of answering me she just complained that I should already know. I felt myself getting defensive and didn’t think I could handle it without an argument (we were trying to get the kids out the door) so I let it drop. But when I had to ask later that day which place I was headed she got frustrated with me again, and yes, I got defensive.

 The perceived flaw that this brought up for me is disorganization. In most areas of my life I’m rather highly organized, I put a lot of effort in to it because it’s not a natural talent for me. I was a messy kid and my mother and sister still feel the need to remark on how surprised they are that my house is clean. I’ve kept it clean my whole adult life, but the stigma has carried with me and I associate disorganized things with disorganized schedules. So, whenever my wife wants to pigeonhole me as disorganized too, it draws on a long standing history of this thing that I don’t like about myself and try so hard not to be.

Week 5 - Post 2

I admit to thinking about what I’m going to say while others are talking, but for a reason. I’m very conscious of good listening skills, I try to acknowledge what is being said and I summarize the information in my head so that I can retain it better. That being said, I also have a terrible memory which causes me some difficulty. As soon as someone says something that illicits an important response from me a part of me shits to summarizing and remembering what I need to say. It’s almost guaranteed that, if I don’t do this, I will completely forget it.

My poor memory, particularly for conversations, is why I began mentally summarizing what people say to me. By distilling the information to the important points I can generally remember them after the conversation. Most of the time I can remember what they’ve said and what I need to say in this way. Sometimes though, the information gets to be too much, as if my memory buffer is full. I usually have to make a conscious decision about which information to hold on to. Most of the time I choose to keep what the person is saying to me in the hopes that I’ll still be able to remember what I wanted to say. If it’s really important though, I’ll either keep thinking of my question or go ahead and find a way to interrupt so I can empty out the buffer.

When there’s a quick back and forth there’s no problem, but if someone drones on and doesn’t let me get a word in, I find myself making tough choices.